Sunday, July 31, 2005

emotion is dead part 1 (oohh, my ovaries!)

Ugh! I just haven't felt like writing anything in the past week. I've been quite depressed lately, although I did feel somewhat better when I started playing Civilization II, but that doesn't make me feel any more like doing a blog post because it's so fucking addictive. I like to call it "Civilcrack", although I bet there's a better drug name that someone could come up with as a metaphor to describe its addictive qualities.

I never beat Civ I, even on the easiest level, but I did manage to beat Civ II on the easiest level just now. Both ways. I was Canute, high priest of the Vikings, and I lead my religious fundamentalist civilization to great accomplishments and we prospered, even with the annoyance of the warmongering Russians at our eastern border. But eventually, my army of relgious fanatics and cavalry units took revenge on that bitch, Catherine the Great, and destroyed her civilization without mercy. We also conquered the Americans and sent their leader, Eleanor Roosevelt, to the guillotine, just because they were there and standing in the way of our manifest destiny. We also brought the Hammurabi's Babylonian civilization to its knees, and at that point, we reached a crossroads. We could either end our campaign of conquest and develop a spaceship to colonize Alpha Centauri, or we could send the Babylonians on the way of the Russians and the Americans. So, I saved the game at that point and did both. And it was fun!

Okay... now for what a couple of you have been waiting for...

Right after fucking up the Tammy Ealom interview, I had a revelation. You see, whenever it seems like my radio show could get popular, I sabotage my own success either intentionally or unintentionally. Ending the Sergio show was intentional. Screwing up the Tammy interview was unintentional. It seems that my show just can't get popular after a certain point. And I've figured out why...

I'm actually an emo boy.

If you play the first installment of the emo video game (Warning: Not Safe For Work or Other Public Places), there's a scene in which Jeremy Enigk tells the heroes (a group of emo luminaries including Conor Oberst, Chris Carraba, some guy from Mineral, some guy from At the Drive-In, and Atom from Atom and His Package (?!)) that all emo boys have ovaries, and these ovaries preserve their integrity and keep them from getting too popular and selling out. And because of that, an emo band's third album will always suck. And I guess that Atom does fit in because his third album sucked. "Shopping Spree" was a good song, and I love "If You Like the Washington Redskins, You're a Cock", but that's it. Now, it's been a long time since I played the emo game, so I can't remember how exactly these ovaries make emo boys suck, but they do. And the reason why Jimmy Eat World got as popular as they are is because they had their ovaries removed.

So, I think that the reason why my show hasn't been successful is that I have ovaries and they make me sabotage my chances at success. The reason why is because I'm meant to be in a band, and my ovaries are keeping me from squandering my 15 minutes of fame before I start this band. So, that's why my show has stayed at a low level of popularity for my whole career.

Another reason why I suspect that I'm emo and have ovaries is that I started listening to Weezer again this summer. It started when I saw this comic and had the urge to hear "Undone", but then I progressed to "Only In Dreams", and I just started listening to that song over and over again. I can't believe I like that song so much. It's so fucking sappy. Enough sap to provide maple syrup for five hundred billion pancakes.

Watch out, I might start liking "At Your Funeral" by Saves the Day. But only if I don't get to see the video again. Whenever I saw that video, I got the urge to punch their singer's face just because he looks like the stereotypical Christian white boy that's concerned for my soul and tries to get me to pray with him. Nothing personal. ^_^

You might wonder why I don't play/listen to emo if I actually am emo. It's probably because I had no access to emo in high school. Emo hadn't reached the middle east of Ohio at that point, so instead, I had the Smashing Pumpkins and Pearl Jam. If you want emotion, there's loads of it on a Smashing Pumpkins record. And it's not doled out in the form generic indie rock. Just listen to epic tracks like "The Aeroplane Flies High", which is eight minutes of guitar soloing and angst the likes of which most people can't dredge up. Anyway, listening to that stuff stunted my emo growth.

But yes, I'm very emotional, and that's why I don't have a livejournal, or whatever, and don't get really personal on here. If I gave you all the details of my life and how I'm feeling, you'd either be very worried about me, or you'd laugh at me and make me more depressed. And again, that's drama KING to you, not drama queen, you insensitive asshole!

So, anyway, I'm emo, and when I have my band (and I'm never going to warn you about this again, so pay attention), my third album will suck in a bad way. Unless it's a singles/b-sides/rarities collection. Those don't count. Not sure about EPs, though.

In other news, my review of the latest Tullycraft album was published on Mundane Sounds last week. Click here to read it.

And that's it. I can't remember if I had anything else to say.

um, as an ovary-haver, i must say that i don't think they make me evil or cause me to create crappy records. not that i'm making any records, but you know, if i did.

if you think ovaries are the cause of all your problems, then i have to ask: do you have issues with women? was your mother overbearing and your father emotionally distant? why do you hate women?
You're not getting the whole point. The reason for the sabotaging is to preserve integrity and keep musicians from selling out. It's actually a GOOD thing. And I'm quite happy that my future musical career hasn't been compromised by my college radio career. People would take me less seriously as a celebrity musician. (Dogstar, anyone?)

It might make more sense if you play the emo game and get to that one scene with Jeremy Enigk. No, seriously. Play the game. It's funny. Just remember to play version 1 (the original) because the other versions are different games.
no, i was just giving you a hard time, and i *promise* to play the emo game at my earliest opportunity.
ok, i just started listening to 'only in dreams' the other day, too. I'm gonna play it on my radio show today. You are helping me get in touch with my inner geek. Thank you.
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